Imposter Syndrome

What has stayed with me in my transition from a teaching career to a data science career, among other things, is imposter syndrome. Imposter syndrome is the feeling of not having the "expertise" to do your job well or a feeling of not "fitting in" with others who are doing the same work you do. There are probably better definitions, but I'm just giving you mine.

I'm not a "real" teacher

Imposter syndrome is real and at first, I didn't recognize it as what it was. It was subtle, but as with all little things, it builds up and manifested itself in troublesome ways. As a teacher, I felt imposter syndrome almost all the time. I felt that I was not really a teacher, so that led me to believe that I couldn't teach well. I felt I had no classroom management experience, and although that is true, it is true amongst many new teachers. I was comparing myself to the veteran teachers and I felt that I was nothing like them, so therefore, I was not a good teacher.

The feeling that I was insufficiently prepared (maybe it's true) just exacerbated my imposter syndrome. It was like a self-fulfilling prophecy where I thought I wasn't good enough and then it really turned out that I was not good enough. Although, I have to say in retrospect that those feelings were normal and the outcome is also normal for many new teachers. It doesn't mean I had to quit. But I did. And I don't blame it entirely on imposter syndrome, but that is part of the root of the problems I had. No matter how pretty the leaves on a plant looks, if it has a rotting root, the leaves will wilt one day. That was how I was - I had the credentials to be a teacher, but I had an unstable foundation.

I'm not a "real" data scientist

Now that I am transitioning careers into data science, imposter syndrome has tagged along. It usually starts out small, but it gradually grows for me. I felt confident on the first week of my internship because I didn't know anything and also because as an intern, I felt that there were less expectations from me. The second week was when imposter syndrome crept it a little. Our company hosted a hackathon and I felt like I was the weakest link on the team. I felt like a fraud--that I didn't belong in a team of data scientists and data analysts because I couldn't do the things they were doing. Although at the end, I was able to help out a little, it felt "fake" since I just copy-and-pasted code from the Internet to run a simple algorithm.

The following weeks of my internship included me rejecting an offer to present to management the dashboard I have created because I felt that I didn't have the expertise to talk about the subject of the dashboard, even though I have been working with the data for about a month. When a new intern joined us, his skills in coding and graph databases (which I know nothing about) made me feel a little more inferior. But, I happened to come across a wholesome meme on the Internet recently which was a little reminder of how silly comparing myself to other people can be.

Acceptance

Recognizing that I have imposter syndrome and had had it for a long time is a huge relief. I remember during my bootcamp that Vinny, one of my instructors, told us that we will feel imposter syndrome and that is normal. In a field as vast and ever-changing as data science, imposter syndrome is real for many people. My manager gave me some feedback recently and he said that I should take chances to present to management and not be afraid to make mistakes.

Now, comes the topic of how to stop feeling like an imposter. My manager is right. I should not be afraid to make mistakes. I should not be afraid to "look stupid". That is easier said than done, though. But, fear is at the core of imposter syndrome, I believe. I'm just still a fearful person, who worries a lot. I'm a scaredy cat. But, I am accepting that. Being aware that I have imposter syndrome is one thing. It will take courage to take actions even though I am afraid that what I bring to the table is "wrong". (Originally, this blog post was supposed to be my thoughts on how data engineering is under-rated, but I didn't finish writing that post because I felt that I didn't have the expertise to write about such a topic.)

I believe what would help with imposter syndrome are the little things done consistently, like going to work every day with a positive attitude and outlook, talking with other people about how you are feeling, writing about it, taking chances when given to you. Take a leap...and believe that you are stronger, smarter, and braver than you think. (Winnie the Pooh reference)